Rationalizations

12 May

Tonight, I realized the dominos were falling into place for a dangerous night of eating behaviors. I had a meeting after work, and it went rather long. It was not that successful, either. It’s on a large event, and I was the only person from my subcommittee to show to the team meeting. Feelings of fear and anxiety about the work load were starting to creep into my head as I walked from the meeting to the Metro station.

As I rode the metro home, I started thinking about dinner plans. My mom had mentioned to me that the Subway chicken salad sandwich was very tasty and a healthy choice that sustained her hunger over a long time period. This sounded like exactly what I needed, feeling beaten down and already tracking for a dinner that would be eaten really late.

I stopped off at Subway, got a footlong of the chicken salad. My brain started going to the idea that I should eat the entire footlong. It’s not THAT many more calories. I’ve been so good today! I deserve this as a reward.

Luckily, when I sat down with the sandwich, I only took out half of it. I ate slowly, savoring each bite. I thought about how much I enjoyed it as I ate but how my stomach was responding to the meal, getting more and more full as I went.

I got up to put away the rest of the sandwich in the fridge. Then, another tense moment. My boyfriend is gone. I have ice cream in the freezer that I love. Maybe he wouldn’t remember that the ice cream was there before he left. Maybe I can throw out the trash before he comes back.

Again, I kept rationalizing the reasons why I should get it. Looked at the nutrition label, and instead of thinking one serving would be over twice the calories and fat of the 6 inch sandwich that left me feeling nearly full, I thought of how I could still maybe stay under 2000 calories for the day. I even opened the top of the container and saw there wasn’t much left, as though I was contemplating that I would finish the rest that was there, even though what remained was over a serving’s worth

Luckily, I put the ice cream away. I grabbed a granola bar instead, to really finish satisfying my stomach and to get some nutritional value instead of wasting my whole day of hard work in a few bites of ice cream that really doesn’t taste great enough for me to sacrifice my health, my mindset, my emotional well-being.

I will have demons to battle while I am home alone. Tonight I faced a close call and I came out on top.

Planning on getting up early to go and workout. Easier to go to sleep early without my boyfriend here, even if it makes my eating habits feel more difficult to control.

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